Week 5: Heat

Heat is a 1995 American crime film written and directed by Michael Mann. It stars Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Val Kilmer. De Niro plays Neil McCauley, a professional thief, while Pacino plays Lt. Vincent Hanna, veteran LAPD homicide detective tracking down McCauley's crew. The central conflict is based on the experiences of former Chicago police officer Chuck Adamson and his pursuit in the 1960s of a criminal named McCauley, after whom De Niro's character is named. The film is technically a remake of L.A. Takedown, a 1989 made-for-television film which was also written and directed by Mann; the director had been trying to get Heat made for over a decade, and created L.A Takedown as a simplified version after his efforts were unsuccessful. Heat was a critical and commercial success, grossing $67 million in the United States and $187 million worldwide.

This week's movie was chosen by Chris.

"We just witnessed cinematic history. We just witnessed the best use of a barrel roll of all time. Val Kilmer brought the party and lost the heat in this epic tale of bad cop vs. bad guy. The movie is supported by an all-star cast and despite the lack of spoon fed story line that couldn’t be heard over cackles of laughter I really, really enjoyed it."

4 ¼ Thrusters

"Where the fuck did this heat come from?)(Probably smokin’ hot 14 year old Natalie Portman, amirite?) I’ve been paging you all day. (I fuckin’ hate paging). It was a heist movie (without any elaborate heists). A tailor-made explosion fest (without any explosions). Val Kilmer was a dud, (but we now know that his mouth gape doesn’t persist after taking a bullet to the chest).  Was the climactic scene directed by Sergio Leone? That shit was epic. Despite not being able to explain why, I really liked the movie." 0.1  thrusters per “Fuck”, -1 for not knowing if I’m disappointed or not…

5.2-1.0 = 4.2 thrusters

"Heat brings the… heat. Al Pacino’s insistent rage was like a volcano. Val Kilmer rocked a hair-style that looked like the tail of a phoenix. Tom Sizemore’s passion burned like a candle. Robert DeNiro is ice cool though, at least until the end where he feels the HEAT. This movie doesn’t warm the heart though, as you’re watching you’ll realize how incompetent everyone is, from Val Kilmer’s sniper roll to the entire police force waiting around for Al Pacino to break down a crime scene for them."

3.5 thrusters running at 141 degrees

"I wanted to like this movie because it had an all-star cast but it turns out Al Pacino is a terrible actor, no idea what all the fuss is about. I was really rooting for DeNiro but unfortunately he was overcome by HEATstroke. Val Kilmer was able to escape in the end but I was sad to see he lost his ponytail along the way. Good for a laugh but will not be watching again."

2.5 thrusters

"THE HEAT INDEX WAS OFF THE CHARTS FORTUNATELY IT WAS A DRY HEAT. ROBERT DINERO SAID YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED TO WALK AWAY FROM ANYTHING IN 30 SECONDS I KINDA WISH I HAD WALKED AWAY FROM THE MOVIE IN 30 SECONDS LOL"

1.2 THRUSTERS

Join us for next week's movie: Taxi Driver.

Week Bonus: The Other Guys (Bonus Movie)

Misfit NYPD detectives Gamble and Hoitz (Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg) are sentenced to life behind the desk. They hate each other and the monotony of their meaningless jobs, as they’re forced to live in the shadow of the two biggest and most badass cops on the force (Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson). But when those guys go down for the count, opportunity knocks for Gamble and Hoitz. Stumbling onto what could be one of the biggest crimes in years, can The Other Guys step up their game to solve the case without killing each other and destroying NYC in the process? From the director of Step Brothers and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

The Other Guys centers on Farrell and Wahlberg being the crappy cops that have to step up and find their inner badass. They stand in stark contrast to the CrazySexyCool Samuel L / The Rock combo. I’d love to see a movie called “The Guys.” That might be hilarious-er, but it will be tough competition. The Other Guys made me laugh so hard a couple of times that I have soft tissue damage. There’s no way I don’t have soft tissue damage.

5 thrusters

Funnier than a dogs slow roasted asshole

5/5 thrusters and a dead as fuck rock

The movie was really fun and worth the second watch. It’s also a lesson to all the lions out there to not mess with the tunas because it may not go down like you think it will.

4.5/5  thrusters

The mark of a really good comedy is when the story line doesn’t get in the way of the jokes. The bad cop, bad cop relationship between Farrell and Wahlburg made me get hip dysplasia from laughing so hard.
4 ¼ thrusters.

The Other Guys is like a TLC song. I’m not sure how, but someone could probably compare the two. A soup kitchen performance by Mark Wahlberg doesn’t detract from the overall cast.

4 thrusters and an 800 pound tuna

Week 4: Gone in 60 Seconds

Academy Award(R)-winners Nicolas Cage (1996 Best Actor, LEAVING LAS VEGAS; ADAPTATION, MATCHSTICK MEN) and sexy Angelina Jolie (1999 Best Supporting Actress, GIRL INTERRUPTED; LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER) ride an unstoppable wave of speed and adrenaline in this hot, egdy action hit from high-octane producer Jerry Bruckheimer (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL, PEARL HARBOR). Legendary car booster Randall "Memphis" Raines (Cage) thought he'd left the fast lane behind -- until he's forced out of retirement in a do-or-die effort to save his kid brother (Giovanni Ribisi, LOST IN TRANSLATION, TV's FRIENDS) from the wrath of an evil mobster! But with speed to burn and attitude to spare, Memphis hastily reassembles his old crew -- a rogues' gallery including Academy Award-winner Robert Duvall (1983 Best Actor, TENDER MERCIES; OPEN RANGE) -- and floors it in a full-throttle race to pull off the ulimate car heist: 50 exotic beauties in 24 hours -- and the cops are already on to them! Directed by Dominic Sena and written by Scott Rosenberg, GONE IN 60 SECONDS is an action-packed thrill ride that comes out fast and never slows down.

Captain’s Log: week 4 – The research team has set out to find Janeane Garofalo but instead ran into a disgruntled Nicholas Cage. He showed signs of sensitivity that you might believe were genuine if you didn’t know he was Nicholas Cage. Instead you just find him angry and crazy – which is better. The mannequin-esque performance filled with silly one-liners, soft whispers and loud yells does resemble something honest though; Cage trying his best to become a believable human being. That effort combined with a camera not only produces a film you can watch but also one in which you enjoy it.

3 / 5 thrusters and a pair of Nicholas Cage’s eyebrows!

I really like Nicolas Cage so I can forgive a lot. The movie moved fairly quickly and had some fun chase scenes.

3 / 5 Thrusters

Nick Cage was the best car thief ‘boost’ ever to steal a car.  But now he’s retired working a boring job pushing kids around on go carts. He promised his Mama he would be a good example for his baby brother. Now lives are in danger and they need him.  Now he has to come out of retirement for just. One. Night. One Job. After checking with his Mama to make sure its okay, it’s go time.  The whole movie was kinda cool, but not really. Mostly just unoriginal as hell. There’s a detective that shows up when Cage comes back to town to let Cage know that he (the detective) is keeping a careful eye on Cage. That’s never been done. Oh? There’s an angry crime lord involved? Interesting. And? Cage has a mental block to overcome? Why not. What? Angelina Jolie is kinda slutty? That’s new. With bleached dreads you say? Ok. I guess that really was original.

2.5 / 5 thrusters

As long as you’re OK with back to back to back to back to back miracles allowing Cage to escape, and you don’t mind a bland story line that you could drive a stolen truck through – then you’ll enjoy this movie. It’s mindless. And the only real reference to Gone in 60 Seconds was Jolie’s lipstick that forgot to make it into the next scene. It’s fluff, it’s fun, but it’s nothing special.

2 / 5 Thrusters

Odd that a movie about stealing cars only had one car chase but it was a pretty good one.  It was also pretty fun seeing Nic Cage before he was full on “Nic Cage”.  Why was Angelina Jolie the only woman in the movie dressed in boy clothes with grody hair the whole movie?  Sadly lacking the magnificent Janeane Garaffalo that it needed to take the movie home.

1.5 / 5 thrusts

 

We're on vacation next week, but join us for our bonus movie: The Other Guys

Week 3: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Big laughs and hot stars make this a can't-miss comedy in the hilarious tradition of CLUELESS and DUMB AND DUMBER! Romy (Mira Sorvino) and Michele (Lisa Kudrow) are carefree party girls who reinvent themselves for their 10-year high school reunion. With new wardrobes and wild stories of success, they make a big impression ... until a former classmate Janeane Garofalo -- CLAY PIGEONS) blabs their real story to everyone! But that's when Romy and Michele let loose with a surprise of their own ... and outrageous results! Featuring a sizzling hit soundtrack of favorite hits from the '80s, it's the comedy treat The New York Times calls "cheerful, giddy fun!"

This week's movie was chosen by Drew.

"This is, without even a hint of irony, my favorite movie of all time.  It is the best love story of our generation.   Everyone could take a hint from Romy And Michelle and live their lives without giving a flying fuck about what other people think and looking good while doing it.  Janeane Garaffalo’s surly Heather Mooney steals every scene she is in with her take no prisoner fuck off Toby attitude."

5 / 5 thrusters

"I cant think of a movie that’s more due for a total reboot. Think of the possibilities…OMG’s BFF’s LOL’s. It would be amazing (but would lack the flip phone). Doesn’t really hold up, but worth a watch. Romy and Michelle each get half a thruster. 1 thruster for an over elaborate dream sequence, and 0.1 for each “Fuck off” from Garaffalo."

3.0/5 thrusters

"This movie made Dumb and Dumber look like Academy Award material. It had some cute moments but overall was very formulaic. It was cool to see Pam from True Blood before she was Pam from True Blood."

2.5 / 5 Thrusters

"The movie is full of laughs and good moments. At times I wondered if I had already seen the movie or if the jokes and story was being telegraphed. There were some unresolved story lines, like – what happened to the car? Maybe I was thinking too hard, or as Sean eloquently put it, 'It’s not inception.'"
2 / 5 Thrusters

"Funny movie about a highschool reunion."

2 / 5 thrusties

How'd you like the movie? Sound off in the comments below and join us next week for Movie Night with...
"Gone in 60 Seconds".

Week 2: Dumb and Dumber

Lloyd and Harry. One's dumb, the other's dumber. You pick which. Jim Carrey (Lloyd) and Jeff Daniels (Harry) deliver a delirious no-brainer as they hit the road to return a misplaced briefcase to its owner (Lauren Holly). The fellas don't know the case is crammed with ransom money. Maybe that's why smashmouth lowlifes are trailing them, you think? Best to leave the thinking aside as the boys and the filmmaking brothers Farrelly (There's Something About Mary) invent something really dumb... and really, really funny.

This week's movie was chosen by Sean.

"The Farrally brothers craft an expertly chilling view into a pre 9/11 America in which normal citizens are allowed to leave luggage unattended in the airport. The movie takes a gruesome turn when the main characters Harry and Lloyd assassinate their gas man with a chemical agent. Once again Janeane Garofalo steals the show when she 'pinches a lemon'."

5 of 5 thrusters

"Dumb and Dumber is a hilarious insight into the mind of the Farrelly brothers. The movie was both brilliant and majestic similar to the Icelandic Snow Owl. Deciding who was funnier between Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels is like deciding when to give up your extra set of gloves. Both craft a genuine sense of stupidity that doesn’t eclipse the law of never going full retard."

5 thrusters and 1 quiet pretty bird!

"It’s amazing how well the movie holds up. It’s full of unforgettable moments, unless you haven’t seen the movie in 10+ years.  Just when you thought the movie selections couldn’t be any dumber – it just goes and completely redeems itself."

4.5 of 5 thrusters

"I’m not yet movie savvy enough to know whether or not this is the epicenter of the series-of-coincidence movies, you know… the kind where the bad guy says 'Clearly we underestimated who we’re dealing with' then a smash-cut to the protagonist doing something retarded.  Even if it isn’t, we have Dumb and Dumber to thank for movies like Dude Where’s My Car and Zoolander. Harry and Lloyd deliver a couple hours of laughs with a rapist’s wit."

3.5 of 5 thrusters

"This movie was successful in making me feel pretty smart. It’s surprising how well it stands up all these years later. I would say it’s worth watching but only once about every decade."

3 of 5 thrusters

How'd you like the movie? Sound off in the comments below and join us next week for Movie Night with

"Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion".

Week 1: Southland Tales

LOS ANGELES, 2008. Southland Tales is a darkly comic, fururistic epic set over the course of three days as the city stands on the brink of social, economic and environmental disaster, in an America under the thumb of the sinister all-seeing agency US-Ident. A large ensemble cast of characters includes Boxer Santaros (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson), an action star stricken with amnesia, Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), a porn star with her own reality TV project, and Roland Taverner (Seann William Scott), a cop who holds the key to a vast conspiracy. Time travel, terrorism, and the End of the World collide with apocalyptic results in Southland Tales, the dazzling new film from the writer / director of Donnie Darko.


This week's movie was chosen by Drew.

 "Southland Tales opens the 25 week gauntlet of movie night with a bang. Blending time travel and the apocalypse like two cars crashing into each other. Justin Timberlake narrates the movie like a pimp, rivaled only by Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption. Dwayne Johnson and Sarah Michelle Gellar play star-crossed lovers in a similar fashion to Romeo and Juliet, only with more cock chugging. While not family friendly, it is a movie I would share with my friends and family."

4 loud-ass thrusters out of 5

"It was 0.000000006% better than I expected, Janene Garafalo stole every scene she was in.  I am disappointed the movie spent so much time following Krysta Now and not enough time following Krysta Later."

3.4 thrusters out of 5

"Ok, so the Sicilian invents a perpetual momentum engine using the ocean. It creates liquid energy that’s a drug. Time travel. The Rock and Stiffler go through a portal to the fourth dimension and two of each come out the other side. JT narrates and rocks the red karma. (He got FF’d by Stiffler #1 and now he’s a gov’t sniper post-plastic surgeries) Buffy’s a whacked out porn star. I’m glad I watched this movie. It’s a reminder (NAY - an announcement) that linear, clearly portrayed movies are a luxury, not a right. Donnie Darko 2 ftw." 

3.0000000000006 out of 5 thrusters.

"The movie was a little hard to follow but a shirtless Dwayne Johnson mostly made up for it. So just based on Dwayne Johnson’s chest I would give it..."

3 out of 5 thrusters.

"Technically a movie."

½ of 5 thrusters. 

How'd you like the movie? Sound off in the comments below and join us next week for Movie Night with
"Dumb and Dumber".