Week 15: A Dog's Breakfast

"In this offbeat comedy - a U.S./Canadian co-production - Patrick (David Hewlett) is an eccentric and socially inept man who lives alone in his parents' rural Washington state house with just his pet dog, Mars, for company. One of the few members of his family who shows much concern for him is his sister Marilyn (Kate Hewlett, David's real life sibling), and he's delighted when she stops by to pay a visit - a little too delighted, as he feels extremely possessive of her on an almost unhealthy level. Marilyn works as a make-up artist on a science fiction television series, and accompanying her is her fiance, the genial actor Ryan (Paul McGillion) -- a cast member on the same series. Despite Ryan's attempts to get off on good footing, Patrick immediately starts scheming and plotting the young man's murder, but he botches the majority of attempts and frequently only succeeds in injuring himself. When Ryan accidentally dies, Patrick realizes that Marilyn will inevitably blame him for it and read the death as deliberate. He buries the body and cooks up some phony reasons for Ryan's disappearance; problem is, the corpse mysteriously keeps getting exhumed - or does it? It isn't quite clear if what is happening is actually happening or if Patrick is merely hallucinating. Leading man David Hewlett made his directorial debut with A Dog's Breakfast, in addition to writing the film's screenplay. "

"I would say Hewlett has a unique sense of humor if British slapstick didn't exist.  Worst murderer ever. What would happen if attempt 1-4 had actually succeeded? Haha, that all went according to plan. Hewlett got less than he deserved, the love birds had their laugh. I love a good story where the gutsy protagonist triumphs. Well done, Mars."

3 / 5 thrusters and a steamy bowl of man meat

"A dog’s breakfast? More like… a frog’s buttfist, GET IT?!?!?

This movie is like The Usual Suspects except with less production quality and worse actors.  This story has 1 sane, believable character surrounded by a cross-dressing Canadian and his sick perverted fiancé. And I use sane loosely, because he’s also the same count who eats 6 bowls of cereal for breakfast. In fact, no one is believable in this story, but I guess that’s what you get when the REAL writers are on strike."

3 out of 5 thrusters and then another thruster, but then minus that same thruster. So three total thrusters.

"I admit most of the reason I like this movie is because I really like the Stargate series. Dr Rodney McKay is my favorite character on Stargate Atlantis. But I did think the movie was cute on its own."

3 / 5 thrusters and some kibbles and bits

"It’s one of those movies you have to stick with until the end. I enjoyed the first third, it lost me on the second, but I loved the final portion. The story is just witty enough not to make you turn it off all the way through. It wasn't what I expected, but I’ll give it an extra thruster for the most exceptional use of a Loverboy poster of all time."

2.5 / 5 Thrusters

"I would have liked this as a 15 minute short, didn't need an hour long build up to a punchline."

1.1 / 5 thrusters

Week 14: Hunger Games

"Building on her performance as a take-no-prisoners teenager in Winter's Bone, Jennifer Lawrence portrays heroine Katniss Everdeen in Gary Ross's action-oriented adaptation of author-screenwriter Suzanne Collins's young adult bestseller. Set in a dystopian future in which the income gap is greater than ever, 24 underprivileged youth fight to the death every year in a televised spectacle designed to entertain the rich and give the poor enough hope to quell any further unrest--but not too much, warns Panem president Snow (Donald Sutherland), because that would be "dangerous." Hailing from the same mining town, 16-year-olds Katniss and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson, The Kids Are All Right) represent District 12 with the help of escort Effie (an unrecognizable Elizabeth Banks) and mentor Haymitch (a scene-stealing Woody Harrelson). At first they're adversaries, but a wary partnership eventually develops, though the rules stipulate that only one contestant can win. For those who haven't read the book, the conclusion is likely to come as a surprise. Before it arrives, Ross (Pleasantville) depicts a society in which the Haves appear to have stepped out of a Dr. Seuss book and the Have-Nots look like refugees from the WPA photographs of Walker Evans. It's an odd mix, made odder still by frenetic fight scenes where it's hard to tell who's doing what to whom. Fortunately, Lawrence and Hutcherson prove a sympathetic match in this crazy, mixed-up combination of Survivor, Lost, and the collected works of George Orwell." --Kathleen C. Fennessy

"I loved the books so I was prepared to be disappointed with the movie. However I really enjoyed the movie and the actors portrayals. Overall I think it was a win. The tone was right, the characters were right. I would happily recommend to friends."

4.75 thrusters and a bow and arrow

"Catnip was cool. Not sure why she would choke and miss on her first arrow when trying to impress the people that give ratings. You would think she’d think better of shooting the apple since she…you know…missed horribly not one minute before. Petey was eh. I imagine the novel is AMAZING. There’s a lot of missed opportunities with the bow and arrow. Maybe required some more plot devices or scenario changes to rule out Catnip just shooting from the bushes. I dunno, when not trying to pick this movie apart it was really good. But seriously…they have a hit TV show where humans fight each other to the death. They can make bear-dogs appear out of thin air. Why don’t they make humans out of thin air, come up with all kinds of story lines and make them duel all the time? Let the districts do their poverty-stricken thing. Why all the emphasis on sponsors? They can air-mail some medication, sure. But their impact on the game isn't huge. Maybe it could be more beneficial to find a way to procure medicinal herbs than spend hours plucking eyebrows and smiling for the aristocrats. I'm sure the people betting against 12 were pissed when they got help the third time. Why make Petey in love with Catnip? It was a plot arch that ultimately didn't really go anywhere. You can make them amenable to each other and Petey has a Roo-Like spear to the chest type thing or something. The drama generated really only enabled Tennessee to lobby for them both to win together. Which was a dead end and caused a rule change to a 74 year old tradition which is way less likely. No benefit added. We weren't really invested in Petey. We saw the same flashback of him twice. That’s it. We were invested in her boy toy back home who got 0 lines or air time after the Games started. Like I said: When not trying to pick this movie apart its really good."

4 clearer, quieter thrusters out of 5

"I didn't enjoy the movie quite as much as when I saw it originally in theatres. We discussed the story at length throughout the movie and talked about the following books afterwards. I like the idea of the first story and I may have enjoyed the book, but now I have absolutely zero interest in the following movies. It’s not a bad movie but I still don’t think it’s all that great."

3 / 5 Thrusters

"Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for in this movie?  Everyone is horrible and selfish and unlikeable   How is any of this story believable? Why would the kids be motivated to fight?  Why wouldn't the games inspire more rebellions?  Why aren't the people in the main city ok with these horrible games?  The Roman coliseum only worked because the average person was living hand to mouth; these people live in unheard of luxury and have no spare time to ponder how terrible they are? [The image of] Jennifer Lawrence sums up exactly how I feel about the probability of anything like this ever happening. Giving it a 3.0 only because I was thoroughly entertained always waiting for the next explosion in this train wreck."

3 / 5 Thrusters and a nest full of tracker jackers “she’s just sleeping:”

"Katniss is like that guy who is playing a FPS and doesn't quite understand the controls yet, so he just hides behind a box and waits for the round the end. The amount of time we watched her sitting a tree was only matched by the amount of time we watched her crying – which was a lot. Despite going into this movie expecting a Twilight-esque teenage romance story, I ALMOST liked it. It’s a shame that it took 2+ hours to portray a meaningless set up for the rest of the trilogy."

2 / 5 Thrusters and giant Bowlg, or maybe it’s a Dolr -- no no no, I got it… Wearg. Pronounced where-guh.

Week 13: I Heart Huckabees

"Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin lead an all-star cast including Jude Law, Naomi Watts and Mark Walhberg in this outrageous comedy from director/co-writer David O. Russell (Three Kings). Kindhearted but confused activist Andrew Markovski hires a pair of screwball "existential detectives" (Hoffman and Tomlin) to help him find the meaning of life. All the while, a sexy, French author (Isabelle Huppert) is trying to throw a wrench in their plan by seducing andrew's mind and body."

"Nobody sits like the rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need. Now let’s do the ball thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

5 / 5 Thrusters and an interconnection that is real and amazing, but also nothing special.








"I'm having an existential crisis of my own, I can’t decide if I like Marky Mark or not.  This movie showcased two opposing theories. First that everything is connected and everything is the same.  Second that nothing matters and everything is cruel randomness.  I don’t know which philosophy I buy into but I’d probably purchase anything Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman tried to sell me."

4.2/5 thrusters and a “she said ‘fuckabees’”







"Nothing is everything, everything is nothing, and the Dixie Chicks will make it all better. I heart Huckabees. Fuck petroleum. Mayo. The mathematics of infinity. WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED? Fuckabees."

4 / 5 thrusters
             



                                          


"Two existential detectives are in a race to destroy or confuse as many lives as they can before or after a rival detective doesn't or maybe. Marky Mark gets it. How am I not myself? How am I not myself? How am I not myself? How am I not myself? How am I not myself? This movie goes on and on – its infinitesimal nature intimidates me, going on and on like this review. Like this review. Like this review. Like this review. Like this review."

3/5 thrusters and a sitting as fuck rock






"After seeing this movie I can safely say that Mark Wahlberg is my favorite actor. I love his intensity and use of excessive profanity. The movie was a bit confusing but overall amusing."

2.75 thrusters and an overly aggressive Marky Mark

Week 12: The Departed

"Rookie cop Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) grew up in crime. That makes him the perfect mole, the man on the inside of the mob run by boss Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson). It's his job to win Costello's trust and help his detective handlers (Mark Wahlberg and Martin Sheen) bring Costello down. Meanwhile, SIU officer Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) has everyone's trust. No one suspects he's Costello's mole. How these covert lives cross, double-cross and collide is at the ferocious core of the widely acclaimed The Departed. Martin Scorsese directs, guiding a cast for the ages in a visceral tale of crime and consequences. This is searing, can't-look-away filmmaking: like staring into the eyes of a con - or a cop - with a gun."

"The Departed has by far the best dialogue of any movie we've seen. It’s hilarious, it’s to the point, and its razor sharp. The only thing that would make this movie better would be a, “Say hi to your mother for me.” Then again, you give Scorsese a fucking tuba and he’ll get you something out of it. Despite the overly dramatic dream sequence starting at 21 minutes into the movie, its absolute the best movie on this list."

5 / 5 thrusters

"Probably the only movie the Cincy Crew will give unanimous 5/5.  You know it’s a great movie when Martin can even make a giant turd like Marky Mark shine.  Poor leo had no one, he departed without even an identity, the only thing he wanted; but was given it post mortem.  I wonder was the baby his? If some lunatics think DeNiro died at the end of Taxi then surely its up for debate whether or not the psychiatrist was carrying Leo’s baby.  I am going to go ahead and believe yes… sucker for happy endings."

5/5 thrusters and 1 pair of evidence concealing paper socks

"BEST. MOVIE. OF. ALL. TIME. Matty and Leo own the entire world in this film, it’s pretty awesome. Also Marky Mark does his job for once. Throw in some Alec Baldwin, Jack Nicholson and Martin Sheen to make an awesome brew. Don’t expect a taxi-driver twist featuring Janeane Garofalo that will blow your mind like the most annoying sound in the world or even just plain old cock chugging… but instead prepare your mind grapes for an epic Boston double agent show down between two UH DUH best."

344 thrusters and some cranberry juice!


"Why is it that every Scorsesi movie has me entranced until the ending punches me in the face and makes me sit here and wonder what the fuck just happened?  It all started when Jack Dawson (Titanic) and Jason Bourne go through police training. (Jack Dawson was in a class with Shaq, don’t forget it, you’ll need to remember that later) Jack Dawson is a washout that can only make it undercover. Bourne is promoted and gets to work for Jack Donaghe and Jack Salmon (Lovely Bones, who didn’t know that?) Dawson and Bourne see the same shrink and …. Wait… what does it matter? Scorsese Scorsese-d it. Double agents, coke whores, Boston accents, and a mother that’s tired from fucking a father too much. The truth? You can’t handle the truth. You like apples? How do you like them apples? I have to paint you. Say hi to your mother for me."

5/5 thrusters

"I really enjoyed the movie. I loved every line that Mark Wahlberg had. Nothing to add except everyone dies in the end."

5/5 thrusters

Week 11: Point Break

"Young FBI agent Johnny Utah (Reeves) goes undercover at the suggestion of his partner (Gary Busey) to learn if a group of wild surfers is actually a gang of bank robbers. He soon comes under the dangerous spell of the surfers' charismatic leader, Bodhi (Swyaze), a mystical mastermind who'll do absolutely anything for a thrill - and expects his followers to do the same."

"u sad?"

5 / 5 thrusters rip p-sway

"It’s a thrill rush. Officer Jack Traven all like, “ I'm gonna be the best cop ever.” And Busey is like, “Dude, it’s surfers.” So Ted’s all like, “Hey Kip, my parents died and I got goosepimples.” And she’s all like, “I got kidnapped by Dalton”. And Johnny Castle all, “I just put baby in a corner, YOU MAD BRAH?” Then everyone dies like some Shakespeare shit and then Neo retires."

4 / 5 Thrusters 

"Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves have more chemistry than Richard Gere & Julia Roberts. Johnny Utah is a quality pocket passer, but his foot work is horrible. His jump into the aqua duct was easily the most uncoordinated fall ever recorded by an action star as well. Swayze on the other hand is smooth through-out. He leads a band of president-imitating-surfers; which he manages to convince he has a purpose, but that notion is shattered like Utah’s knee in the final scenes of the movie. You’ll be sure to have lots of fun watching Point break, from the jaw-dropping opening graphics to Reeves full denim get-up."

4 / 5 thrusters and 2 hotdogs, TWO!

"In Ghost 2, Sam finally learns to let go and becomes a surfer. But its not what it seems. Under his tubular demeanour lies a deep dark secret. Neo, freshly out of FBI training on the outside would look like a young upstart ready to take on the world, but despite his rad choice in clothing, he has murderous intentions. Kit seduces Neo and convinces him to murder Bucey. Sam’s secret is sex wax. Its for friction, brah. Despite the fact that its dated as hell, it’s a righteous flick."

3.75 / 5 Thrusters

"Ok so I think Swayze was only able to pull of the surfing because he was still in shape from Dirty Dancing. Reeves was just practicing his craft for The Replacements, his best work yet. Super cheesy, lots of shooting, and naked chick kicking some FBI ass."

2.5 / 5 thrusters

Week 10: Kick Ass

“How come nobody’s ever tried to be a superhero?” When Dave Lizewski – ordinary New York teenager and rabid comic-book geek – dons a green-and-yellow Internet-bought wetsuit to become the no-nonsense vigilante Kick-Ass, he soon finds an answer to his own question: because it hurts. But, over coming all the odds, the eager yet inexperienced Dave quickly becomes a phenomenon, capturing the imagination of the public. However, he’s not the only superhero out there – the fearless and highly trained father-daughter crime-fighting duo, Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, have been slowly but surely taking down the criminal empire of local mafioso Frank D’Amico. And, as Kick-Ass gets drawn into their no-holds-barred world of bullets and bloodletting with Frank’s son Chris, now reborn as Kick-Ass’s arch-nemesis Red Mist, the stage is set for a final showdown between the forces of good and evil, in which the DIY hero will have to live up to his name. Or die trying…

"Kick ass? More like ass kick. He he he. Hit Girl gets the award for second best fight scene ever. McLovin still hasn’t found a redeeming quality. It’s a great movie to watch if you want to see a comic framed within reality.  The second half is better if you just want to watch a comic book. Cage BIG TIME delivers. Every scene in history involving someone delivering one final message before they die has always been delivered in a solemn, but uplifting message. It was heartwrenching and sometimes you have to sit at the edge of your seat to hear that last word. Nope. Cage won’t have none of that. There he sits, a third-degree burn victim, smiling like he’s on parade. Delivering nonsense with the lipless candor of a botox infection victim. Eyes staring, non-blinking, he’s changed the way movies are made."

5/5 thrusters

"Every nerd since the dawn of Stan Lee has daydreamed about being a super hero.  Kick Ass is a live action version of this fantasy.  Kick Ass isn’t a badass, he’s only good at getting his ass kicked; but he still stands up for what is right.  I can’t wait for Kick Ass 2 with Jim Carrey as Colonel General. If you are a nerd and haven’t seen this movie… get to work."

5/5 thrusters and a Big Daddy

"I'm pleasantly surprised – the movie was a perfect blend of comedy and action. It never had any weak points. From start to finish the story was good and the pace never slowed down. It’s easily one of the best movies we've watched so far. I'm going to have to get a copy of the graphic novel and I look forward to the sequel."

4.5 / 5 thrusters

"Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be super hero? This movie delves into that idea with a pseudo-realistic spin. However, I feel the writer took some creative liberties with a weird Scorsese-esque direction in the style of “taxi driver”. I’m shocked that they decided to kill the main character off in the first twenty minutes with a brutal stabbing and car wreck then turned the remaining hour and thirty minutes into a weird perverted dream sequence."

4 / 5 thrusters and 1 Mr. Bitey

"It was funny but a little too graphic. Fun concept. Looking forward to the sequel."

3.5 thrusters

Week 9: Equilibrium

Delivering awesome high-tech action in the power-packed style of THE MATRIX and MINORITY REPORT, EQUILIBRIUM stars Christian Bale (REIGN OF FIRE) and Taye Diggs (CHICAGO) in a thrilling look at a future where the only crime is being human! In an attempt to end wars and maintain peace, humankind has outlawed the things that trigger emotion -- literature, music, and art. To uphold the law, a special breed of police is assigned to eliminate all transgressors. But when the top enforcer (Bale) misses a dose of an emotion-blocking drug, he begins to realize that things are not as they seem! Also starring Sean Bean (THE LORD OF THE RINGS) and Emily Watson (RED DRAGON).

"Equilibrium is easily the best movie we’ve seen so far. Batman whoops ass like no one else. If I was creating a super team based on the list thus far, John Preston would be my Captain America (for those wondering, Lloyd Christmas would be my Iron Man, Boxer Santaros would be The Hulk and Janeane Garofalo would be Thor ). Also Christian Bale and Taye Diggs have the best fight scene ever."

5 / 5 thrusters and 1 stinky red ribbon

"It was a good apple commercial. Trade the sledge hammer for guns with baby bayonets on the butt and the headband-touting-jogger for a fat Machinist Neo. In this Gun-Fu shoot em up, Neo saves his wife, saves the girl that reminds him of his wife, saves the lives of countless bodyguards, saves the criminals from execution, saves his friend, saves a cache of priceless paintings, saves a dog. In an interesting twist, Neo joins the priesthood (but they are ninja-clergy). Working in the Deco-Do-Hexa-Hedron, there’s some serious priest on priest action to be seen! (spoiler) Someone brings a gun to a sword fight…idiot.  BTW – Neo vs. Big Brother: Close quarter gun fight is truly one of the coolest fight scenes I’ve ever seen."

4 / 5 thrusters and an “ohhhhhhh gooood for you”

"I really enjoyed the movie.  The most influential character in the toppling of the evil regime would have to be Muffins. If not for those loving puppy kisses who knows what would have happened."

4/5 thrusters 

"I liked this movie, especially since the romance portion wasn’t too heavy handed.  Some of the fight scenes turn out other than expected; poor Taytay bit it in half a second, Christian sliced the smug smile right off his face. Best character was his son the secret badass, second best character was Jeneane Garaffalo as muffins."

3.7/5 thrusters

"What is it with Sean Bean always dying in the first 5 minutes of everything I see him in? This movie was billed as 1 million times better than the Matrix and while I thought this movie came out before the Matrix – it didn’t – it came out 3 years after it. It’s a millionth as good as the Matrix, it’s a poor man’s Matrix, it’s just the Red Lobster of Matrix movies. However, Muffins (Batman’s dog) stole the movie and I look forward to the sequel – Equilibrium 2: Revenge of Muffins."

2.5/5 Stars